The REAL legend of Zelda
by Foofmeister
Summary: This is what REALLY goes on. Major crack-fic! PWP!
1. A Meeting? Now?

**Hey there, this is just a major crack-fic, hatched from literally NOWHERE! Don't ask me where I got the idea :P**

**Though I'm categorizing it as a PWP story, it actually **_**does**_** have a plot; a very vague and otherwise laughable plot. **

**I actually **_**RE-WROTE**_** these two chapters, because I like to think that I actually got somewhat better at writing crack stories…lol-that was a joke, if you missed it. **

**Anyway, hope you enjoy. If not, oh well! **

**It brings **_**me**_** many laughs at least! **

**Oh and by the way, if I owned the Zelda franchise, I wouldn't have to write fanfics. I don't own it! Don't sue me!**

* * *

**CHAPTER ONE! **

It was yet another beautiful day in prosperous country of Hyrule.

The sun was shining brightly upon the great field below. The wind was blowing softly though the countryside. The water flowed gently about, it's soft gurgling a peaceful sound.

It was an ideal day to rest out in the sun and enjoy its warm brace…

But no one really cared about the dumb sun and its embrace.

So that's why our story doesn't take place outside. Instead, it takes place inside the stuffy, overly-crowded Hyrule Castle.

Everyone (including the Happy Mask salesman) was cooped inside said castle, having a mandatory meeting under the orders of Princess Zelda.

"Where is Link?" asked Zelda as she glanced around the room.

"Great." muttered Ganondorf. "That imbecile is late."

Just as he said that, the doors burst open and Link came running in.

"I'm not late! I've been awake this WHOLE time!" He said, hazardly diving into his assigned seat.

"So what is this meeting all about?" Ruto whined in her annoying fishy-voice.

"I don't know yet," said Zelda "…give me a couple minutes."

Everyone stared at her in disbelieve…Everyone except the Happy Mask salesman of course, for his face was covered by a mask.

"You're telling me that you called ALL the _Zelda_ characters for a meeting and you don't even have a _reason_?" asked Naburoo.

"I have a reason!" Zelda said frantically. "It's lying around here somewhere…just watch where you step!"

"You're wasting my time, stupid girl." growled Ganondorf. "I have a world to take over."

"Well you can wait! We're having a MEETING!" yelled Zelda, thoroughly frustrated.

"A meeting about _what?"_ Impa interrupted. Usually she's very calm and slow to temper, but she had enough of this foolishness. She had to prepare for the upcoming _Sheikah-Showdown_, where all the Sheikahs got together and played a very brutal and intense game of _Texas hold 'em_… though they've never heard of Texas. They thought it was some type of spicy cornbread.

"How about we go party?" asked Link hopefully. Normally he was ignored at these types of meetings, since he was the only one in the room raised by trees… which was a laughable matter. A BIG laughing matter.

"Like, who would want to go _party?_" Ruto sneered. "Not us _princesses, _that's for sure…"

"Sure! I'll go party!" yelled Zelda, though there was no need to yell at everybody.

"Hmph!" pouted Ruto. She sat and continued to pout while everybody else got ready to go to the future where they would party at something called a "Night Club".

They didn't know exactly what it was, but they knew it had to be fun because the brochure that just magically appeared out of thin air said so…and the brochure NEVER lies.

When they all came down, they were all clothed in strange human clothing that also appeared out of thin air.

Maybe it was thick air…

They don't really know.

Zelda was wearing a pink Elvis-looking outfit, covered in giant sparkling rhinestones that would have made any be-dazzler jealous (It was rather cute if she said so herself…)

Link was wearing a ridiculous green beanie-hat with jeans under his green tunic (Weird, but it's all the rage in Europe…not that Link knew what Europe was!)

Ganondorf was wearing a horrifying purple and pink super-tight tutu with matching ballerina shoes.

Ruto was what you'd call "in the nude" even though she wasn't going, while Saria garbed in a poofy prom dress (Way too big for her.)

Darunia wore an obese-sized _James Bond_ tuxedo that for some reason came with a free light-saber. Because he had no idea what a light-saber was, he accidentally cut off some of Ruto's excess body-fin.

Malon went in a one-piece bathing suit…She had no idea there would coincidentally be a Jacuzzi in the club.

Everybody else doesn't matter, so we'll forget what they're wearing and skip to the part where they finally leave to go to the night club, which was oddly named "The Legend."

After a long and difficult journey to the drawbridge, they waited for the car to be invented and then hoped in.

Except Nabooru and Impa.

They had to run to the store to get some groceries. They had appetites like a starving wolves and usually ate most of the food in the castle.

Link jumped into driver's seat before anyone could object.

"Link, you don't know how to drive!" said Zelda, worried.

"It's ok! I've got this _How to Drive_ _for Dummies _pamphlet. It's as easy as 1, 2, and 3!" said Link. "Step one: Put it into drive. Step two: Put hands on wheel. Step three: Skinny pedal on the right. Ok! Here we go!" he said.

They drove for approximately two minutes and crashed brutally into a mailbox. Air bags were deployed.

"Everybody ok?" asked Link nervously. Now his insurance was going to come after him…

"Like Zelda said, you _can't drive._" said Malon. She was just being pissy because she broke a nail.

"Hey back off! It didn't say anything about dodging mailboxes in the pamphlet!" said Link. He was deeply offended that the pamphlet had let him down.

"That's because they assumed you would stay on the road, you idiot!" retorted Malon.

Their childish argument about mailboxes and cars was suddenly interrupted by a scream!

It was from Saria.

"What's wrong?" everybody in the car asked.

"It's Talon! He's dead! Link, you killed him!"

"Nice job hero. Your inability to drive caused him to die" grunted Ganondorf.

"No, no. It's very clear that he died of global constipation." explained Darunia.

"How do you figure?" asked everyone in the car simultaneously. "And what is that?"

"It doesn't matter! We need to get him to the hospital!" he yelled back for no reason.

So they drove to the hospital, even though Link didn't know how to drive (now he was convinced the mailboxes were out to get him.)

What they didn't know was that Talon was just asleep…

* * *

**I hope you at least found it slightly amusing. I've ready many fan-fictions, and I've found that crack-fics are somewhat of an art. **

**Really, not everyone could write a pointless story and have it still be highly amusing and entertaining. **

**Drop a review...or not :P **

**ONWARD TO THE NEXT CHAPTER! WHAT'S IN STORE?**


	2. Unexpected Hospital Behavior

**Again, this is another re-written chapter! I don't won ANYTHING!**

* * *

**CHAPTER TWO! YIKES!**

None of them could carry Talon because he was so fat.

Not even Darunia who was strong but he confessed he took steroids.

So they rolled him.

They rolled and rolled and rolled till they could roll no more! Luckily for them, they were only two feet from the hospital door.

Once inside, they called for help. A nurse came up to them and looked at the sleeping Talon.

"What seems to be the problem?" she asked cheerfully (_Too_ cheerfully in Zelda's opinion…)

"He's got a severe case of fatness." Link informed.

"Along with a giant mustache!" interrupted Darunia. "I mean, look at the size of that thing! It's like eating his face!"

Everybody stared at him…Well, Malon glared at him but everyone else just stared.

"Please! You have to help him!" said Saria, breaking the awkward silence that Darunia created.

"I'll see what I can do." said the nurse. She then effortlessly picked up Talon and put him on a stretcher and wheeled him away. Everyone stared at her amazed by her nursely-strength.

"Why couldn't we do that?" asked Zelda. Everyone shrugged rather embarrassed.

"Slackers." muttered Ganondorf. He was just pissy because _he _couldn't lift the fat Talon.

* * *

**MEANWHILE…**

Impa and Nabooru were having difficulties of their own.

"What do you _mean_ I can't have forty-two items in a fast lane?" yelled a very angry Nabooru. Now was NOT the time of the month to tick her off. In fact, you should NEVER tick-off a Gerudo… NEVER!

The cashier shivered with fright. "Y-you're n-not allowed to have m-more than ten items in this lane ma'am. You'll have to go to another cash register."

"That's crazy talk!" said Impa. "We were here first!"

The cashier gave her a rude look. A look that just about said: _Are you stupid?_

How dare he!

"You know what to do, Impa." said Nabooru.

Impa nodded her head and then suddenly jumped into a fighting position. "Attack force delta!" she yelled.

She then hit the cashier with her hand. "Cheeto-CHOP!"

"Ow!" yelled the cashier.

"Shut up and ring our items" demanded Impa quite brutally. So much for being a good guy…

"I'm not allowed to!" said the cashier desperately. He REALLY didn't want these crazy women hitting him again.

Nabooru sighed in frustration. "Fine! Put some of the things back… just not the feta cheese!"

Wanting these weirdoes to leave, the cashier complied and rang ten items from their original forty-two (Including the feta cheese.)

"Your total is $58.23."

Impa pulled out all the contents residing in her pockets and handed it to the cashier.

"…What is this?" he asked confused.

"What does it look like?" snapped Impa. She was really getting tired of this punk kid. How she wished she had a rock to bust him in the head with!

"Uh, two pennies, a paperclip, and a button." replied the cashier. Poor unfortunate cashier who had to deal with these retards…He only took this job to save up for a car…

"So?" asked Impa crossing her arms.

"So, you owe me fifty-eight bucks!"

Impa snarled. "What did you say fat man? I don't owe you a thing! It's perfectly clear you over-charged us!"

"Here, I'll take care of this." said Nabooru. She pulled out some paper and some coins and handed it to the cashier.

"Now what is _this_?" he asked exasperated.

Were these women dysfunctional?

"It's your fifty-eight bucks."

"No, this is twenty-three cents and a piece of paper with '58' written on it!"

Nabooru looked around cautiously. "Good enough!"

She suddenly grabbed their un-purchased items and bolted, Impa hot on her tail. "HA HA! The feta cheese is MINE!" she yelled.

* * *

**BACK AT THE HOSPITAL…**

Everyone waited solemnly for Talon to get out of surgery (which, by the way, was unnecessary, but the doctors thought it would be fun to pull a prank on them!)

And by solemnly, we mean completely bored. Link was busying himself trying to beat the highest score on PACMAN (which was some guy named Kevin)

"Curse you Kevin.." he muttered. "You're always one step ahead of me."

Ruto (who mysteriously showed up) was checking out the vending machine, seeing if it sold any fish…

Zelda and Saria went to find a bathroom but probably got lost, seeing as how no one had seen them in forty-five minutes.

Malon was crying hysterically for her sleeping father.

Ganondorf threatened to shut her face.

Impa and Nabooru were still unaccounted for…

A nurse came out to tell them the news. "He's stable, but we'll think he'll pull through with a full recovery." she smiled.

"Whatever _that_ means." mumbled Ganondorf to himself. He was tired of sitting around and he had no idea what the nurse was even talking about…

They were all the sudden interrupted by a loud curse coming from………

Link's direction.

(Sigh. Here we go…)

"$HIT! I'll KILL YOU KEVIN!" yelled Link. He pulled a metal bat out of nowhere and started to pulverize the video game.

They could only stare in complete shock. Though really, they shouldn't have been _that _surprised, as Link lost at everything...

"THIS IS THE DUMBEST GAME!" Link continued to rant while he smashed the innocent game to pieces.

Suddenly, as swift as ninjas, two security guards tackled Link from the side and took him down like professional football players.

They were all kicked out on account of:

1. Hospital vandalism

2. Disruption of the public

3. Extreme potty mouth

…All of which were Link's doing.

They stood outside the hospital for a few hours before deciding they needed to continue on their trip to "The Legend."

Even if it meant without Talon…

* * *

**Sorry so short :( **


	3. The Zoo

**Alrighty, I think this is the last chapter I re-wrote! **

**CHAPTER THREE! OH NO!**

Link had ended up driving them to the zoo.

No, not the night club which was their original destination, but a zoo.

He blamed it solely on Darunia, who was serving as navigator and accidently had the map upside-down.

It really _was_ Darunia's fault. This time.

"Since we're here, why not entertain ourselves by laughing at the poor caged animals?" Link suggested.

"That's a horrible thing to say!" said Saria, who had a fond love for fury creatures. She glared daggers at Link, who was completely unfazed by having a ten-year-old scowl at him.

She stalked off angrily with Zelda. She didn't know she was coincidently heading towards the Zoo entrance anyway.

"I'm with you, brother." Darunia whispered next to Link. "I enjoy scaring the little antelopes! Hehe!"

In the zoo, Zelda and Saria went straight away to find a bathroom…again (they seem to have some sort of bladder disorder-they sure went to the bathroom a lot.)

Rauru, who no one even knew was with them this whole time, was worried they would get kicked out of yet another public environment due to their _disruptive behavior…_namely Link, who was trying to talk to the peacocks.

("Come here, bird. Pea-COCK!")

Though he wasn't the only one being disruptive…

Ganondorf was busying himself by stealing ice cream from a group of innocent little kids.

("Give me that punk! NOW!")

No one was aware that Ganondorf had a fond liking for strawberry ice cream. He seemed more like a cookies & cream kind of guy.

Rauru didn't have to worry though, because the zoo workers were steering _very_ clear of them. They would be alright as long as they didn't encounter any arcade games for Link to smash…

So they walked around the zoo for a while, looking at the animals (and in Darunia's case, trying to scare them.)

Link of course was _still_ trying to converse with all of them ("Moo! Chick-Chick! RAWR!")

Zelda and Saria had come back from their long trip to the bathroom, but were oddly quiet. Apparently, what happens in the girls' restroom _stayed_ in the girls' restroom.

Darunia had found a rhino he couldn't scare and preceded to have a serious therapy session with it. The Rhino, on the other hand, was falling asleep.

Not all the animals were falling asleep though.

There was a cheetah who was pacing back and forth, licking its lips and eyeballing Link who was running around screaming "KAW! KAW!"

Ganondorf had wandered off in search of food, convinced he had a tapeworm. But everyone knew the truth: he was just a pig.

Malon, during the whole zoo experience, was crying her eyes out because all the animals seemed to be against her. The ostrich pecked at her face and ran away. The elephant sprayed her with water. The camel spat on her, and the wolves growled at her. And to top it all off, they didn't have any cows or chickens.

What kind of zoo didn't have cows or chickens?

She was also jealous of Link's ability to connect with the zoo animals…though more than half of them just wanted to eat him for dinner…even the Koala.

Surprisingly, the day passed with no major event and the zoo announced it was closing.

The crew went outside, ready to continue on their way to _The Legend_…with one minor setback: their car had been towed.

Why?

Because _someone_ with a brain the size of a dust particle parked it in the Fire Lane.

* * *

**Checking up on Impa and Nabooru…**

"GO! GO! GO!" screamed Nabooru. Impa peeled out with their stolen car and recklessly entered the flow of the highway.

"They're gaining on us!" said Nab urgently, peeking out the back window. Blue and red flashing lights along with noisy sirens were hot on their tail. Impa swerved and cut between two cars like an expert "get-away" car driver. They weren't going to get HER alive!

She heard a munching noise beside her and glanced to see Nab chowing down her feta cheese.

"What _are_ you doing?" she asked as she cut off another innocent car.

"I'm eating my stuff before they take it back!" she said with a mouthful. More feta cheese was stuffed into her mouth, ending their conversation.

Impa shook her head ad returned her attention back on the road, trying to avoid the police that were after them. Suddenly a loud, roaring noise above them caught her attention. Impa looked up to see a giant flying machine with propellers hovering over them.

The machine turned on a blinding light and pointed it down on their stolen car, making them impeccably noticeable.

"Great. Now they have a freaking flying machine after us…" grumbled Impa. This night could not get any worse…


End file.
